The River is Mine

I’m sitting here in the coffee shop, tucked away in a corner where no one can see me. It’s not my favorite place, but the rain drove me inside today. Turns out I needed it though. Some demons left behind. Some demons yet to find. This place isn’t mine and I like it that way.

I usually go to a park not far from here, down by the river. There’s a sunbathed rock that is perfect for sitting, my feet dangling. Hot pink toes swirling in the eddies. It’s a quiet place where the currents carry, the sun warms, and I am alone. That place is becoming mine. It’s my imprint I feel when I return. On the bank are my own footprints I find each day. That spot on the rock I wiped clean. There’s a place I put my drink and a place I put my notebook. I’ve told no one about this place. Certainly not him.

I’d go to the dam where the roiling water hushes everything. Where it’s always raining a muddy rainbow. But it’s not mine any more. Those were my footprints but they’ve washed away. I loved that place until him. It was raining that night. His silhouette in the lightening. It was my own doing, really…or rather my own undoing. There was a sandy boot print on my floor mat for days. Pointing directly at me. A specific print from a specific boot for a specific job. I knew the print. I knew the job. I couldn’t bring myself to wipe that print away. I didn’t want to forget. For a moment he claimed that space. That place. I went back to the dam the next day, walked all over where he stood to let my tennis shoes have the last word. I kicked at the prints his tires had left. Erased them with my shoe. I walked all over to reclaim every rock, hidden stream and trail. Up into the woods until it became someone’s back yard. I walked all over, my feet staking a claim. Kicked at all the footprints that weren’t mine. I went to the dam to say good bye. I loved that place until him.

This place is only mine for a moment. The moment I am here. This shining moment of private smiles and hide-and-seek blushes. Nothing happened in this place, no ghosts can claim it. But they will. The dam is lost to me. But the river is mine.