Unpacking Someday

I’m a someday girl. I want to buy a kayak some day. I want to travel someday. I want to visit someday. Meet up someday. Catch up someday.

And I’ve learned that “Someday” is the dream on the other side of the barriers. Not just time and expense, but all the barriers that ADHD gives me as an added bonus.

To realize  “Someday” requires a plan. Book tickets. Arrange overnights. Rent a car. Figure out food. Find where the grocery is. Reserve…stuff. 

But there’s a soft barricade in place. The one that tells me I will stay too long, ask too much, get in the way, assume things I shouldn’t. It tells me that I’m not really wanted, but that I’m imposing myself on someone else’s time…And those are important things to keep in mind, but for me, they shut me down. They keep me from booking those flights and buying that kayak and traveling to that place and visiting family and friends–who have always said “You’re always welcome” but being who I am, I will find the one week in their lives that they are unavailable, or that it’s just inconvenient. And I can't always accurately read between those lines. Then I spend entirely too much energy trying to read the people I am with to make sure I”m not approaching the Enough Line and they need a damn break because I know I can be a lot. Part of what makes me a lot is the fact that I spend so much energy trying to read people around me..and the reassurances I sometimes need.

Maybe it’s my way of floating an idea to see how it’s received. Or maybe it’s a request for an invite. Or maybe it’s just the beginning of a dream, that I’ve spoken into the universe to set it in motion. Maybe it’s all of those things from a kid who never quite fit in. 

And maybe it’s because I know life is too damn fickle, and if I marry myself to a someday, the world will change and my dream will die on the vine. I was booking flights for a lifetime dream trip with my family on March 10, 2020. The next day the world shut down for the pandemic. Guess what I was doing February 23, 2022…the day before Putin invaded Ukraine? 

I wish I could just strip all that worry, but so many times that I have, it was the wrong move. 

So if I tell you “Someday” I just need to know you feel that, too.